I’m debating my relationship due to materialistic issues: My boyfriend isn’t drop-dead good-looking, and he isn’t financially lavish.
Nevertheless, he’s very decided and has began a superb wholesome life-style, workouts commonly and eats healthily since I’ve requested him to deal with himself. He’s very beneficiant when I’m with him and can all the time deal with the payments. He first ensures that I’m glad earlier than he spends on himself.
However he can’t get pleasure from life lavishly by touring a number of instances a yr or residing in a much bigger condominium. He defined these to me from day one earlier than COVID-19, and it appeared that I accepted it. However now I really feel that his lengthy working hours don’t swimsuit my life-style, given what he earns.
I’m discovering it onerous that we will’t journey in the summertime. Nevertheless, he isn’t stopping me from touring and encourages me to go. However I don’t really feel like going with out him, and I hate the sensation that I’m disadvantaged as a result of he can’t get pleasure from what I can get pleasure from.
I must determine: Is he the fitting one in my life, or am I making a mistake? He’s in his early 40s and is only a yr older than me.
-F.
Pricey F.,
For those who dump this man for not being strikingly wealthy or GQ materials, you’ll do each of yourselves a favor. You’ll free your boyfriend to search out somebody who appreciates the great qualities you describe, like the truth that he’s hard-working and beneficiant. And also you’ll be capable of hunt down somebody who meets your requirements, which can be impossibly excessive.
However I don’t need to routinely dismiss your issues, as a result of I’m unsure they’re materialistic. Generally, two folks have clashing priorities. The way you spend your cash displays these priorities. It’s not materialistic to finish a relationship as a result of your priorities are a whole mismatch.
I’ll admit I cringed a bit at your description of your boyfriend’s look and incapacity to “get pleasure from life lavishly.” However I don’t assume it’s mistaken that you simply need to journey along with your boyfriend.
It isn’t stunning that this downside is surfacing now. A few years in the past, once we had been smack in the midst of COVID-19 lockdowns, human companionship was what so many individuals craved. So it is smart that you simply accepted your boyfriend’s life-style again then. Now that restrictions have eased, lots of us are itching to return out and discover the world.
Context issues a lot right here. Particularly, I’m wondering simply how lavish these holidays you’re planning are. Most individuals don’t have the time or cash to journey first-class for a number of weeks on finish a number of instances a yr. That’s nice in case you can afford to take action, but it surely’s going to be onerous to search out somebody who can sustain. However, in case your boyfriend works 90-hour weeks but nonetheless received’t finances the money and time for a trip, I can’t fault you for being disillusioned.
I’m inquisitive about whether or not this can be a cash difficulty or an issue along with your attitudes about cash. It’s a cash downside if you wish to journey collectively however can’t foot the invoice for 2 folks. However in case you can’t stand the thought of footing a part of the invoice for a person you’re courting, then it’s a cash perspective downside. One factor that strikes me is the truth that he takes care of the payments (presumably once you exit), regardless that it sounds such as you’re higher off financially. For those who cut up issues equally at house, would your boyfriend be capable of journey extra?
Ensure you’ve communicated to your boyfriend simply how necessary touring is to you. For instance, in case you regularly go to eating places or concert events, possibly you could possibly compromise by scaling again on these bills so that you’ll each have extra money for journey.
Clearly, I’m not going to inform you whether or not that is the fitting man for you based mostly on a 200-word letter. However earlier than you determine what to do, be sure you’re clear with your self about what you’re searching for.
Nobody particular person can verify each single field. For those who discover somebody you’re suitable with, the chances that your budgets shall be similar are slim. So think about the chance of truly discovering somebody who meets your standards.
It doesn’t sound like your boyfriend’s life-style or funds are going to alter any time quickly. It’s OK in case you determine to finish this relationship as a result of your priorities are out of sync. However it’s not OK to weigh your boyfriend down with expectations you already know he’ll by no means be capable of afford.
Robin Hartill is an authorized monetary planner and a senior author at The PNW. Ship your difficult cash inquiries to [email protected].